Masks

The biggest fool I am, I struggle trying to decide why I stay. You're mere presence and attitude are enough to drive me away. I know that is exactly what you want. And I want to fight you, I want to strike back I want to make you swallow down the sour taste of my existence.

I am so angry and I want to give up, and give in. I want to let you win because people like you always win. You destroy me you attack me and make me appear the fool. You destroy the things I love, you destroy it all. I want to cry but I know you would love that. There is no rest for you, and there is no place for me. No one I can plead my case to, when I finally feel apart I begin to feel alone.

If i could describe this anger and frustration... if I could describe how badly my heart hurts. How I want to strike back I want to scream I want just this once to have something of my own. But no you must always intrude you must always steal away, all I want is my little precious joys. I don't want to be seen I don't want to be anything special I just want to be left alone to my joys

Once again I will probably have to exit so you can have your wishes, I dream of the day when life is perfect and I can finally find my peace, because as I wander this earth for every joy I am followed by a million sorrows, and million destroyers and a million deceits.

No matter what I do you will get a sick joy out of harming me, of ripping me apart, and I let you because I don't want to fight. I'll let you have it because I feel like I didn't deserve it in the first place. Yet on the inside I believe with all my soul that you don't deserve it either and I swallow the bitter taste of knowing...you'll probably have it anyways.

Oh why did I ever dream? Why did I ever hope? Why do I fall so hard every time? Why do I allow you to continue...but you'll always be there no matter where I go...you'll just be wearing a different mask.

Christa

Silhouette

I'm tired of waking up in tears

'Cause I can't put to bed

these phobias and fears

I'm new to this grief I can't explain

But I'm no stranger to the

heartache and the pain



The fire I began

is burning me alive

But I know better than to

leave and let it die



I'm a silhouette asking every now and then

"Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?"

I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own

But the more I try to move on,

the more I feel alone

So I watch the summer stars

to lead me home



I'm sick of the past I can't erase

A jumble of footprints

and hasty steps I can't retrace

The mountain of things I still regret

Is a vile reminder that

I would rather just forget



The fire I began is

burning me alive

But I know better than to

leave and let it die



I'm a silhouette asking

every now and then

"Is it over yet?

Will I ever smile again?"

I'm a silhouette chasing

rainbows on my own

But the more I try to move on,

the more I feel alone

So I watch the summer stars

to lead me home



'Cause I walk alone

No matter where I go



I'm a silhouette asking every

now and then (now and then)

"Is it over yet? Will I ever love again?"

I'm a silhouette chasing

rainbows on my own

But the more I try to move on,

the more I feel alone

So I watch the summer stars

to lead me home



I watch the summer stars to lead me home.



Silhouette-Owl City

The Phantom

I had a dream about me, I dreamt I was in a world where I was alone.

I breathed the air around me and searched for life, I saw you nearby.

I talked to you but you didn't seem to hear me, I touched you and you did not seem to notice.

I began to wonder if I was just a phantom, if I really exsisted at all in your world.

I believed that if you would just reach out and touch me, I would know for sure I was really there.

I hoped someone would touch me, just to prove to me that I wasn't a phantom after all.

But you wouldn't reach out to me, so I tried to wake up.

But I could not, for this was reality. And you did not see me, I was invisable to you.

I had no place in your world.

My sweetest downfall

Some days I sit here alone, I work, think and study alone. I watch you all from a distence. I smile as you make your lives, plan your futures and become beautiful, wonderful, and gracious.

Alas I am very happy for you, I love you, I wouldn't change a thing. Sometimes you tell me I'm beautiful, you say I'm remarkable, that I am special to you. You thank me for being the most wonderful friend in the world and how you could never do with out me. You say that I am one of a kind and I smile and nod and say thank you.

But yet I sit in the stillness pondering why I am left behind in your lives. You say thank you, and then you cast a farewell to me and embark upon your new life. I thought we understood eachother, I thought that made it special? But not quite special enough.

I watch you happily as your life plans out and becomes beautiful. Then i come back to my world and see myself still in my room, with my messy hair and worn out eyes. My skin cracks from to much work and little time to care for them. My room lies in ruins reminding me that it needs repairing, my body aches in exhaustion my nails are broken and ungracful.

My bank account tells me I need to stay home and save money,the weather outside imprisons me inside and imprisons my soul even deeper within my shell. I don't see all the attributes you claimed I had. I ponder why if I was so precious to you why you left, why your new life no longer includes me at all.

But it is not my place to ever ask you, you have moved on to different seas, and I remain in my ocean of empty space and routines. I try not to miss you, for I feel it is not my right to do so because you are finally happy. I try not to think about you so my tears won't peak their way out, I wish I could let you go as easily as you let me go.

Alas though I cannot, I'm far to softhearted for that, despite what I may say I loved you, even for the littlist moment. You may forget but I never will, the time we shared, the jokes we charished the lifetime of memories of you will remain as you move on.

I now see my homework is stacked in piles, work begins soon and yet I sit repeating my sad songs and pondering my own outcomes. I see now I could not have done anything different, I just know I'll miss you. And I secretly wish you had never said those things to me, it would make your leaving so much easier.

I sigh and shake my head and laugh, sincerely laugh, how could you have done this? Only heaven knows, but I push you aside now, all of you. And I focus on my shabby life at hand, because one way or another this is the life I live with or without you. And I must make the best without it, even though deep down I need you here so badly, I need your presence with me once again. But that is gone now and now I must move on.

Christa

You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first. ~Regina Spektor

There's No One Else I'd Rather Be...

Be gone, be gone from me. Leave me be, leave me to my wounds, my shadows, my scars. I have given you what you wanted. I have become the freak you wanted, the joke you so badly needed to laugh at. Now leave me...leave me be with my pain you will never see.

I tire of hurting, I tire of being your joke. Why can I not just leave you be? Why do I rise to your foolery. I know you care nothing for me, I know to you I am a freak, a fool for an unknown cause. But you don't know my cause you don't know my pain. I am broken and I have not a clue as to how to repair this broken heart of me.

I have spent much time observing others and their pain, I have invested, pried and worked to figure them out. I never knew why until now. It is because I am broken and I know not how to fix me, so I try to fix everyone else. But I will not fix you nor will I try. I truly care nothing for you, you were a hope of a better ending.

But you are not my happy ending, and I will not let your thought of me destroy me or contain me. But right now I am in pain, and you have showed me how very little you mean to me. I care not if you return or if you leave, I care not if you choose to torment me because you shall not reach my heart.

It may be broken but it is not defeated, and it is not wretched. Through its pain it beats faster, harder, and stronger. I write this not for you but for me, knowing that at this moment you laugh at me, that you think me strange. I want to curse you, I bitterly weep. Not for the pain you have caused me but for the pain I feel around me from other sources. But your existence makes this pain even more sour.

I care not for you, I will not stumble when I see you. I will not think of you again in my spare thoughts. I am not wretched I am not a freak, I am not to be castaway. I am not proud, but I also will not be kicked down and lay in wait for my end. I care not if you forget me, or if you think of me. I intend you no distress or pain but I do hope you exit my life quickly and safely.

You never cared for me so don't lie and say you did. I will look for you no more, I will live on in peace. I believe love exists somewhere before me, but alas it is not with you. So I abandon you with questions I will never give the courteously to answer, I depart from this awful place I have been placed in and I will rise above repaired and hopeful.

Laugh away at me, I care not, I may be different.

But there is no one I'd rather be, than me.

Christa

The Storm

It started with the rain; it always starts with the rain. A cold icy rain that drips down your finger tips and leaves them numb and cold as snow. Then it’s the thunder, the thunder is so loud it completely shatters all resolve you have to remain standing. And then the lightening, it’s the lightening that stops your heart and your soul tries to rip its self out of your cage of a body. It’s the moment that leaves you breathless and unwilling to finish what you’ve started./>
I stand alone trembling as the storm draws closer. I carefully shed my warm coat and leave it by the close standing tree. The cold rain pelts my bare shoulders and partially exposed back. The icy droplets trickle down my hair and leave it clinging almost lifelessly to my back. The storm surrounds me like a whirlwind and pulls me to the center of its fury. The lightening strikes around me making its presence well known, and only missing me by a few feet. It seems to hiss and cast more rain at me as if in anticipation of what I am about to offer it. I take a deep breath and gather my thoughts together. I draw the memory to the front of my mind and pull all the small pieces with it so as not to miss any of it. I linger over it only a few moments before clenching my teeth and preparing for what comes next./>
Before I allow myself to reconsider and close my eyes and wait for the strike. The lightening is fiery hot when it hits me; it feels like every nerve in my body is being torn from me. The shock reverberates through my body and throws me through a million memories all at once, from good to bad to the most horrific you could ever imagine. It takes me on a tour of my own awful memories before reaching the one I have chosen. It lingers on this one making me feel the pain for just a moment longer and then painfully tears it from my mind, all this within a matter of seconds. The pull is so strong that upon the release I am thrown backwards away from the raging storm above me, before breaking away I see only for a moment; his face. I fall to the sandy ground beneath me and lay motionless as the storm recounts its path and takes its self back across the barren lands, leaving me there alone. The air in my lungs burns like fire as I try to breathe normally; I feel my heart stabilize as the pain from my body slowly fades./>
I shiver as the rain continues to pelt my skin; I cannot find the strength to pull myself up off the ground. All the strength I had has been drained from me and all that is left now is to give in to the power of exhaustion. My eyes shutter closed and only for a moment do I hope that I could die here, beneath the lifeless sky of some unknown world I thought I once knew. But my thoughts are lost to the sad sound of rain and wind, my body gives in to the pull of sleep and I lose all memory of what has just taken place. Just…as I had planned it, I am safe until he finds me.

If I Die Young

To. You

From. The Young One

If I die young, I'd hope you wouldn't cry for me. I died in the good part of my life. The part where life is still exciting. The part where we as young people believe dreams come true and where every moment is a chance to fall in love

If I die young I ask forgiveness from the people I love and loved. I know at some point or another I've hurt you, let you down and acted selfishly. I should have told you sooner how much I love you and how much I appreciate every aspect of who you are.

Its sad how we spend our lives talking but never say the important things that truly matter. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't listen to every word you didn't say. I'm sorry I didn't catch the hidden words you tried to say. It was my mistake and I regretfully wish I had listened more closely.

To my enemies after I am dead I'm sure you will rejoice victoriously over my demise. To you I send my true and sincere apologies. I hurt you, weather intentionally or unintentionally I hurt some part of you and I am sorry for that. At this point my dislike for you is gone and I see plainly all that I have done to you. For this I am sorry.

Once I am gone this letter will lie between the pages of my life, forgotten and lost, but know I meant every word. Because if I die young I won't get to tell you any of this.

To my young admirers who want to be just like me someday. Take heed to these words I write to you. Please be everything I wasn't. Listen to the silence, pray for true peace and love your enemies, even if they strike out and hurt you. Know that they don't mean to, its their nature its how they keep themselves safe.

Wash you hands of shame and regret and reach out in love. Live longer than me and build a legacy that I could not build.

If I die young, know that I died very much alive. Know that I died with a dream in my mind and foolishly believing I was in love. If I die young know that I loved you with all my heart and I hoped for so much more time with you.

But perhaps I won't get to be so lucky tp spend the rest of my life being near you. Because I might die young and leave you here alone.

Yes I died young but I died with love in my heart and around me and that's all I could have wished for.

I love you

From ~The Young One~