Dating is like playing touch football with a bunch of teenagers who just hit puberty..
Its painful, it has no point and really in the end you walk away hurting all over and wondering why you even played..
The dating game is set up much like a highschool touch-football game. Everyone is placed into a team. Of course you lose out to the fastest guy, the prettiest girl and so on. And once the teams are filled your left with a sideline of losers who want to play but weren't cool enough to be picked..
So we sit and watch everyone else play hoping that maybe if we cheer hard enough we will be noticed and maybe picked the next time around..
.
So we sit and watch our prettier friends get bashed, beaten, tackled and all around bruised and scratched up....and we still want to play?.
Its a painful train wreck to watch and yet we still want to participate in it. Than finally someone gets injured and one of us sideliners gets pulled in. And we are all excited and ready to play. And our teammates give us all these "tips" on how to play..
Honestly...we should have just read the rule book or just paid actual attention to what they were doing and concluded what not to do. But we are so excited to be apart of the team we just do what they ask. The game ends...they walk away and the lil sideliner crashes and burns from inexperiance and pain..
They say, oh you'll get better with more practice! So keep trying!.
Finally one day you have that one kid, whos sitting on the sidelines watching. And he or she goes...screw it this is stupid. And decides to play his own game. Which only requires two players..
So he goes to his little corner and plans his game. Now he looks for another player. But for someone strange reason...no one will play. Why? Because its not "cool" so hes left in his corner waiting for someone who's willing to play a whole new game..
So the question is, are you game for a whole new game?.
Are you willing to play?.
Christa
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Layers
Layers. Layers are what I've created to hide me.
I've carefully constructed each one to protect the other.
I find walls are easily broken so I created layers.
Like paint, you just paint over and over and over again.
And eventually there is little to no hope of ever seeing the
original construction beneath.
I'm not completely hopeless at least i don't think I am. I
figured oh hey someday someone will peel them back and it'll
all be okay.
What I didn't expect was for them to be torn off at once.
One moment I'm fully concealed in my little picture and the next
I'm pulled out into the light and the layer begin to fall off.
As God tears these layers off I begin to grow weak. I begin to
cry. I begin to see light and it hurts.
My heart and soul are so sore. My physical body feels weak.
You are finally fet up with my charade, my selfishness.
The things I do to hide everything so I won't hurt.
I should have never questioned you. I should have never hidden myself.
From you or anyone else. But I was so scared. Now I'm really scared.
Because now it hurts, now it stings and burns and aches, and I cannot
fix or hide it. Nothing will numb it. My charade and my colors were all
I had to feel safe.
But safety is not your style, comfort isn't your way. Bringing me back
to who I once was. Who I've always been. I knew deep inside I was alive
I just couldn't fix it myself.
Everyday is a reminder of everything I've done. Everything I've destroyed
everything I hid deep inside.
Now I'm lost I don't know what to do. And I am so vulnerable that I am terrified.
The layers are peeling,
my feelings are fleeting.
And I'm pleading for you to stop.
Christa
I drift on your ocean floor, I feel weightless numb and sore ~Switchfoot
I've carefully constructed each one to protect the other.
I find walls are easily broken so I created layers.
Like paint, you just paint over and over and over again.
And eventually there is little to no hope of ever seeing the
original construction beneath.
I'm not completely hopeless at least i don't think I am. I
figured oh hey someday someone will peel them back and it'll
all be okay.
What I didn't expect was for them to be torn off at once.
One moment I'm fully concealed in my little picture and the next
I'm pulled out into the light and the layer begin to fall off.
As God tears these layers off I begin to grow weak. I begin to
cry. I begin to see light and it hurts.
My heart and soul are so sore. My physical body feels weak.
You are finally fet up with my charade, my selfishness.
The things I do to hide everything so I won't hurt.
I should have never questioned you. I should have never hidden myself.
From you or anyone else. But I was so scared. Now I'm really scared.
Because now it hurts, now it stings and burns and aches, and I cannot
fix or hide it. Nothing will numb it. My charade and my colors were all
I had to feel safe.
But safety is not your style, comfort isn't your way. Bringing me back
to who I once was. Who I've always been. I knew deep inside I was alive
I just couldn't fix it myself.
Everyday is a reminder of everything I've done. Everything I've destroyed
everything I hid deep inside.
Now I'm lost I don't know what to do. And I am so vulnerable that I am terrified.
The layers are peeling,
my feelings are fleeting.
And I'm pleading for you to stop.
Christa
I drift on your ocean floor, I feel weightless numb and sore ~Switchfoot
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Trading In My Rope
As I pass the time now I see so much changing for me. It seems like the precious ones near me are disappearing. I feel my insides ache from this tragic loss to me.
I've found God telling me quietly to let go, to not depend so strongly on these people but only to depend on him.
Its sad to see them go, I don't need them to survive but I want them apart of me and apart of my life.
But slowly I've learned that loneliness isn't so bad if your not lonely. I know that sounds so goofy. Your going psh how could possibly live alone but not be lonely.
Well I suppose its the love of God that's showing me how to do this. Though at the same time its very painful because you sit and wonder sometimes...is there no one like me? Is there no one who sees what I see? But then again maybe thats the point.
I've learned to let go of so many things and people lately...its been the hardest time of my life I will admit. Constantly finding myself on my knees asking God to help me let go of these treasures so dear to me.
Some I almost cannot bare the thought of losing and yet its so selfish of me to try and to cling to them and keep them only to myself. I can't do this because it is not only wrong I know I'm am truly betraying them as a friend.
I used to think i was hanging by a rope and that these people were the ones that held me up. And they were to a point. But lately I've discovered that my selfishness for having them constantly in my life was really the rope that was dragging me over the edge to the abyss below.
So I've begun to let go and as I let go I begin to treasure and love them more because I know every second I have with them is on borrowed time. Oh how this breaks my heart...I don't want to lose them because they are so few and so rare. But they have lives to live things to discover and I...simply cannot go with them.
I'm sitting here now wondering if I died tomarrow if anyone would ever see this? Would anyone care. Would you see how much I cared about you? Probably not because your sitting there right now thinking...she's not talking about me. But thats a lie because I am talking about you. But you won't see this no one will, none of you know how much you mean to me.
Some of you think I'm just being a mutual friend but I really want to be your best friend but you won't believe that so telling you is pointless. Some of you are angry at me, you swear up and down that I hate you and that I'm the most awful person in the world because I let you go...that I hurt you. If only you knew...how much it hurt me to let you go. But you don't know and you won't know...ever.
If I die tomarrow my words will be come whispered ghosts. I know no one reads these blogs. I know no one cares but thats fine. I just wanted it to be said. :')
I love my Lord and right now he's the one holding my rope. Even as my heart cries at the thought of losing any of you I must put you to rest in my Father's hands and not fret about it. I fear losing you but I know if i don't let you go I'll lose you anyways.
See I'm trading my rope in. I'm trading it in for one that pulls me back up and not one that pulls me down.
I love you and even though these words you will never read I write them anyway.
I really do wish you the best even if...you don't see it. I do and your future is so beautiful but...it doesn't include me. And thats why I must let you go.
Maybe I'll find my house on a hill in Brazil someday lol right on the side of that lake. And I'll seclude myself in my home with fifty million books. And I'll think of all of you while I'm there and try to imagine how your life's are going and all the beautifulness inside of them. And I'll write stories about you ones with happy endings, my stories will be my silent wishes and prayers to God for your life.
And I can only hope you will live happy and in love with God and cherishing his every word and blessing.
Just be sure...to trade in your rope for his. Because his, is so much stronger then mine.
Christa
P.S. I love you all and I'm praying for you everyday...even as you fade away.
I've found God telling me quietly to let go, to not depend so strongly on these people but only to depend on him.
Its sad to see them go, I don't need them to survive but I want them apart of me and apart of my life.
But slowly I've learned that loneliness isn't so bad if your not lonely. I know that sounds so goofy. Your going psh how could possibly live alone but not be lonely.
Well I suppose its the love of God that's showing me how to do this. Though at the same time its very painful because you sit and wonder sometimes...is there no one like me? Is there no one who sees what I see? But then again maybe thats the point.
I've learned to let go of so many things and people lately...its been the hardest time of my life I will admit. Constantly finding myself on my knees asking God to help me let go of these treasures so dear to me.
Some I almost cannot bare the thought of losing and yet its so selfish of me to try and to cling to them and keep them only to myself. I can't do this because it is not only wrong I know I'm am truly betraying them as a friend.
I used to think i was hanging by a rope and that these people were the ones that held me up. And they were to a point. But lately I've discovered that my selfishness for having them constantly in my life was really the rope that was dragging me over the edge to the abyss below.
So I've begun to let go and as I let go I begin to treasure and love them more because I know every second I have with them is on borrowed time. Oh how this breaks my heart...I don't want to lose them because they are so few and so rare. But they have lives to live things to discover and I...simply cannot go with them.
I'm sitting here now wondering if I died tomarrow if anyone would ever see this? Would anyone care. Would you see how much I cared about you? Probably not because your sitting there right now thinking...she's not talking about me. But thats a lie because I am talking about you. But you won't see this no one will, none of you know how much you mean to me.
Some of you think I'm just being a mutual friend but I really want to be your best friend but you won't believe that so telling you is pointless. Some of you are angry at me, you swear up and down that I hate you and that I'm the most awful person in the world because I let you go...that I hurt you. If only you knew...how much it hurt me to let you go. But you don't know and you won't know...ever.
If I die tomarrow my words will be come whispered ghosts. I know no one reads these blogs. I know no one cares but thats fine. I just wanted it to be said. :')
I love my Lord and right now he's the one holding my rope. Even as my heart cries at the thought of losing any of you I must put you to rest in my Father's hands and not fret about it. I fear losing you but I know if i don't let you go I'll lose you anyways.
See I'm trading my rope in. I'm trading it in for one that pulls me back up and not one that pulls me down.
I love you and even though these words you will never read I write them anyway.
I really do wish you the best even if...you don't see it. I do and your future is so beautiful but...it doesn't include me. And thats why I must let you go.
Maybe I'll find my house on a hill in Brazil someday lol right on the side of that lake. And I'll seclude myself in my home with fifty million books. And I'll think of all of you while I'm there and try to imagine how your life's are going and all the beautifulness inside of them. And I'll write stories about you ones with happy endings, my stories will be my silent wishes and prayers to God for your life.
And I can only hope you will live happy and in love with God and cherishing his every word and blessing.
Just be sure...to trade in your rope for his. Because his, is so much stronger then mine.
Christa
P.S. I love you all and I'm praying for you everyday...even as you fade away.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Trouble
Oh no, I see,
A spider web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
Oh I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
And oh, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And oh, and I never meant to do you wrong,
And oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
Oh no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,
Singing out, oh I never meant to cause you trouble,
Oh, I never meant to do you wrong,
Oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.
Coldplay
A spider web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
Oh I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
And oh, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And oh, and I never meant to do you wrong,
And oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
Oh no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,
Singing out, oh I never meant to cause you trouble,
Oh, I never meant to do you wrong,
Oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.
Coldplay
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Swallowed In The Sea
artist of image http://aestheticaspirations.tumblr.com/post/3667631676/song-swallowed-in-the-sea-coldplay-image
You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me
And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me
And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea
You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to see you
You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see
And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me
And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea
And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me
The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see
Oh the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
~Coldplay
Sunday, May 1, 2011
powerless
Secluding myself, bringing on my own loneliness.
Pulling back and letting go all at once.
Not understanding why I don't have the strength
to tell you the truth.
Not understanding why I'm so scared to say it out
loud. So I won't, the fear drives me deep inside
somewhere in that room where I shut the door and
lock you all out.
Its better that way, so you don't see my silent
tears or my violent cries of desperation.
Not understanding why I allow the pain to continue
when I could just let it go and be free.
But freedom is something I've never learned, I never
could understand why you would offer me freedom for
what I've done. Sometimes I pray for punishment for you
to just be angry with me, to tell me I'm the horrible
sinner I know I am and to scorn me hurt me, beat me just
do something to make me feel punished..
But you won't, you refuse and I don't understand it.
Why have I lost my power so easily, I beg for pain from
you and yet you won't give it. Who would of thought that
I would beg to be punished, just to feel like I finally
got that I deserved. I never get what I deserve and I
deserve a lot of pain.
So I just go back to beating myself up hoping somehow it'll
fix how I feel but I know it won't. I'm guilty of not letting
it go and forgiving myself and gathering my freedom.
But what can you expect from the girl...who has never known
any better...
Pulling back and letting go all at once.
Not understanding why I don't have the strength
to tell you the truth.
Not understanding why I'm so scared to say it out
loud. So I won't, the fear drives me deep inside
somewhere in that room where I shut the door and
lock you all out.
Its better that way, so you don't see my silent
tears or my violent cries of desperation.
Not understanding why I allow the pain to continue
when I could just let it go and be free.
But freedom is something I've never learned, I never
could understand why you would offer me freedom for
what I've done. Sometimes I pray for punishment for you
to just be angry with me, to tell me I'm the horrible
sinner I know I am and to scorn me hurt me, beat me just
do something to make me feel punished..
But you won't, you refuse and I don't understand it.
Why have I lost my power so easily, I beg for pain from
you and yet you won't give it. Who would of thought that
I would beg to be punished, just to feel like I finally
got that I deserved. I never get what I deserve and I
deserve a lot of pain.
So I just go back to beating myself up hoping somehow it'll
fix how I feel but I know it won't. I'm guilty of not letting
it go and forgiving myself and gathering my freedom.
But what can you expect from the girl...who has never known
any better...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
can I be honest?
So it begins, one more day. Today though I try my hardest not to..I feel lonely.
I close my eyes and imagine something not depressing something happy and wonderful.
But today it doesn't work today I have no strength to pull up myself up by the bootstraps and face the world.
I have no reason to feel lonely but I am. My world seems to be a constant cycle.
Each day bringing more frustration and few answers. More talk and few conversations.
If falling apart were and option I'd gladly take it just for the one chance to collapse and give up. To weep my heart out and not care who sees.
But I do care who sees. I do care what you think. So I will not collapse,I will not fall apart and I will not weep my heart out. Because if I did I fear they'd leave.
I've learned that none can handle my sadness none can handle my hurt, it frightens them. They grow angry and tell me I must pick up and move on.
I don't want to, I don't want to pick up. I want to give up! I want to lie down and give in to the pain. But doing it alone is unbearable. Its to hard that I cannot allow myself to fall. To many expect me to hold together.
What do you do when you simply can't hold together anymore?
I'm not depressed I'm not suicidal but I want to be allowed the chance to be human to feel pain now and again. Truth is tonight I have no answers! I have no hopes I just don't know anything.
Lord knows I'm asking him for answers to. Just yes I'm rambling, I'm frustrated.
Or maybe I'm angry I haven't a clue. Tonight I will go to bed with the overwhelming desire to cry myself to sleep. To turn off my phone and snuff out the world.
But I won't do this because I know its the incorrect way of approaching this. If this scares you I'm sorry I only wish to be honest today.
You may not see this often so take thought that tomorrow I'll put on my happy face and please the world but I'm praying you'll see through it, praying you'll see I hate it. And see that I'm trying to make you happy, won't you return the favor?
Sincerely..
Christa
I close my eyes and imagine something not depressing something happy and wonderful.
But today it doesn't work today I have no strength to pull up myself up by the bootstraps and face the world.
I have no reason to feel lonely but I am. My world seems to be a constant cycle.
Each day bringing more frustration and few answers. More talk and few conversations.
If falling apart were and option I'd gladly take it just for the one chance to collapse and give up. To weep my heart out and not care who sees.
But I do care who sees. I do care what you think. So I will not collapse,I will not fall apart and I will not weep my heart out. Because if I did I fear they'd leave.
I've learned that none can handle my sadness none can handle my hurt, it frightens them. They grow angry and tell me I must pick up and move on.
I don't want to, I don't want to pick up. I want to give up! I want to lie down and give in to the pain. But doing it alone is unbearable. Its to hard that I cannot allow myself to fall. To many expect me to hold together.
What do you do when you simply can't hold together anymore?
I'm not depressed I'm not suicidal but I want to be allowed the chance to be human to feel pain now and again. Truth is tonight I have no answers! I have no hopes I just don't know anything.
Lord knows I'm asking him for answers to. Just yes I'm rambling, I'm frustrated.
Or maybe I'm angry I haven't a clue. Tonight I will go to bed with the overwhelming desire to cry myself to sleep. To turn off my phone and snuff out the world.
But I won't do this because I know its the incorrect way of approaching this. If this scares you I'm sorry I only wish to be honest today.
You may not see this often so take thought that tomorrow I'll put on my happy face and please the world but I'm praying you'll see through it, praying you'll see I hate it. And see that I'm trying to make you happy, won't you return the favor?
Sincerely..
Christa
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