Human

How do you break through someones
defense's. To get through their
walls to who they really are. I've
ask myself this question so many times
about you. I thought at first if I was
just your friend eventually there would
be a break in defense and yet nothing.


Maybe I need to wait longer I understand
don't misunderstand me I'm not giving up.
Your a mystery I want to understand and
I'll wait a lifetime if I have to, just to
discover whats underneath. I prayed for you
one day, I went to my knees and begged
protection over you. I don't know why but
I wanted you to be safe.

Your defense's are shrewd and cunning they
are alot like mine. Perhaps that's why I
stay. I've found someone just like me in someways
saying everything and nothing all the time.
Maybe that's why we're friends because we both
understand that we are so much alike and yet
neither one of us is willing to drop our guard
for the other.

Eventually a time will come where we will either
destroy each other or help each other.
Our defense's our similar our words are sometimes
perfectly synced. We've both rehearsed the words
the expressions the topics, covering every basis
so no one ever sees, so no one ever gets in.
We are pros at what we do but we're not proud of
that. Because it leaves us in a very lonely box
we've encased ourselves in letting few people near
enough to see.

I don't know if I'm a mystery to you as you are to
me. But that's ok like I said I'll wait a lifetime
to figure you out, even if I get a small glimpse
I know it'll be worth it. I wish I could tell you
that you can trust me but I can't do that because
words are never enough. Promises are words falling
like snow, soon to melt and fade away. All I can do
is just try to prove it to you.

We'll figure each other out someday once we drop this
charade and burn our masks and see the other as not what
we pretend to be but what we are.

Human


Picture taken by http://surrealeye.deviantart.com/

From Your Convenient Best Friend

Dear You

I'm not perfect
I'm not made of stone
though I'd like you to
believe I am. You stand back
and you judge me saying there's
no hope but you never even tried.

I'm not as hard as I've made you
believe. I've learned few people
really want inside. And the others
just want your ear and presence so
they don't feel alone. But little
do they realize how alone their leaving
me.

I've grown used to it, its no big deal.
Hurt me and I'll survive I'll get over
it. Hurt my friends, hurt the people I
love even though they don't love me, and I'll
be out for revenge I promise you.


No I'm not made of stone but I'm made of
the will to survive, to make it through
your blows and your words. I'll survive
what you all do to me, its ok I understand
why you do it. Your insecure and you don't
understand me, so your best way of handling
it is by attacking me and blaming me for the
state of your life.

Your angry because I understand, your angry
that I don't blame you. You don't love me and
that's fine, I can deal with that.
Sure I'll be your best friend at your convenience.
Sure I mind that you take no thought of my feelings
or my pain but that's ok I've grown used to that.
So go ahead, hate me, yell at me, tell me I'm stupid.

Nothing will change I'm not letting you in until you
prove I can trust you, don't hate me for my choices
if you knew the reasons you might understand, then
again maybe not because your to selfish to ever see
anything but your own pain.

But anyways I really should go, you have need for my
ear again. I won't cry over this loneliness I feel its
quite alright because remember...I'm made of stone right?

I laugh at that because you really don't know.
Anyways.

Sincerely
Your Convenient Best Friend
Christa




(picture by http://day-light.deviantart.com/)

goodbye for now

Dead air is mine, dead air is me.
I want to say the words but when
my mouth opens my words
freeze in my throat and are soon
lost victims of the wind.

If i really had the courage to say
what I truly thought it wouldn't
be what you expect. What I say and
what I think are two very different
things.

What I hate I will never debate because
I know it is never worth the fight to
the death for it. If I could show you
what I see you'd understand it to, you'd
understand the reason's why I keep my
peace. If you could only understand that
the things that cannot speak have the
loudest voices.

I've learned this so well because we have
been close companions. Silence is the
loudest microphone, watching is the best
piece of literature you could ever pick up.
Listening to nothing is the prettiest music
ever written. I wish I could show you, if
I could just paint a picture, or write the
notes of the music I hear, or pen the novel
of the words whispered to me.

But it's impossible, when I begin to write
my mind cannot put into words what I hear.
It's something you cannot confine to paper
or to our callus string of musical notes.


Something I discovered long ago was that
words should never be spoken unless carefully
considered. Silence always considers it's words
very carefully, the silence never speaks unless
you are listening, truly listening, and the
it whispers.

The quieter I become the more I discover. The
more I don't speak the clearer things become to
me. Occasionally it is lonely but I never think
about going back.

Because I now see the dreadful truth of speaking
the dreadful truth of lying, the dreadful truth
of conforming instead of discovering.
It's impossible to return, sometimes it's beautiful
sometimes its down right terrifying, but it's
taught me to think of every single thing I say.
Every single thing I wish
Every single thing I love.
Every single thing I pray.

I know you are confused now, what I've said has
completely lost you. I knew it would, because
you see you have to stand on this side of the line.
The sidelines, its all right here, but you will
never understand until you come and stand with me
and see, instead of being the observed come be the
observer. It will save your life, I promise you.

Stop playing the game, and come and learn the rules,
no not their rules, the real rules. The rules that
the game creates while your playing, you'll be playing
along and never realize they've changed, but I do
because I'm watching instead of running blindly.
You'll never leave the game though, none of you will
because to you I'm the naive child who knows nothing.
You'll play and play till it kills you, and I'll
grieve for you...because I warned you.

Come to my side and you'll see it to.


(picture by http://fibulamim.deviantart.com/)

behind the scenes

I was never one for fancy words
or cute rhymes. Just the aching
tones of my heart, were the words I
spoke. I spoke them so loud for you to
hear. But then I realized that no one
was really listening.


Hurt I drew into myself and I learned
the gift and curse of silence. The gift
was I learned so much about people by
watching. I learn so much about you by
watching. But the curse was silence brought
on the invisibility cloak and soon, no one
not even me...could see myself.
The only sign of my existence was on those
cold winter days when i breathed out and
you saw my breathe appear in the cold air
small wisps of life that soon disappeared.


I went along my quiet way, making my way
through these hardships and trials I never
once asked your help. I trusted others and
they hurt me to.
Now you stand there and tell me I am heartless!
You stand there and say I need to believe that
you care or that they care. But you don't know
me! You never knew me, you don't know the demons
I fought, the battles I lost, the scars I carry.
You don't know....because you never cared. To you
I never meant anything at all.So excuse me for
being careful, excuse me for being fearful!
In case you didn't know....I hurt to.

I don't hate you, I don't judge you, but don't
accuse me of being critical, don't accuse me
of being close minded. Because all of my life
I have never been those things. But now I am
cautious, you can't blame me after all the battles
I've fought, oh yeah...you weren't there...so you
wouldn't know would you?

So all you can do is blame me, because that's just
your way. It always has been, you blamed me for
everything. But oh I was quick to forgive, look
at yourself, you were never quick to trust or love
for that matter. How you treated me when we knew
each other so well, you treated me as if I walked
around with a large knife in my hand preparing to
stab you. But sad to say, you were the one to do
the stabbing.

But you wouldn't know, you see I hide that scar to
the few who know ask how did I survive these cuts
and wounds and I tell them that the Lord almighty
reached his hand down and comforted me and healed me
he knows every scar, he know every dirty secret he knows
me. In the way that you don't know me, because your to
into yourself. Always into yourself, but yet I feel sorry
for you. So for you I hide what you did, and for me, for
that one thing I do for me...I hide my mistakes, i hide my
faults, I hide my scars, behind the scene's because if you knew
friend...you'd never care at all.

And yet...maybe you never did...

love

I caught all the fireflies
I wished on all the stars
I collected teardrops from
the butterflies. How young and
stupid I was. To think all that
was going to fix it.

I used to think I knew what love
was, but I've found I believe I
was wrong all along.
Maybe the song writer was right
when he said, "If it doesn't break
your heart it isn't love"

Quite honestly I've been stabbed in
the back so many times I'm never
certain as to if I even cared at all
Why does love have to hurt so much?
But I know the answer.


"I fall in love with the ones who
run me through" -Jon Foreman

I don't

I don't go to sleep without saying
I miss you.
I don't go to sleep without saying
I wish you, were here.
I don't go to sleep without saying
I love you.
I don't go to sleep without saying
I need you.

I don't go to sleep without saying
I'll pray for you
I don't go to sleep without saying
Where are you?
I don't go to sleep without saying
I'll dream about you.
I don't go to sleep without asking
do you miss me?

I have never even met you! but I
sure do miss you. I want to know
your name, I want to know your
life. I want to know what your
about. I want to know what you fear
and what you love.
I'm not dumb I promise, I would
never admit to dreaming. It seems
so childish. But sadly I do, I
can't help it.

I try so hard to ignore it but
I simply cannot. I find ways to
not think about it but they don't
last.
My mind soon strays back again.
It's so frustrating, because it
weighs my heart down so much.
But alas no matter how hard I
try. I cannot get you off my mind

Dear Lord. I pray, protection for
you, and I pray protection for me
so we both survive these fires.
Once again I'm going to sleep,
my thoughts travel from my prayers
to you. I wish I knew your name
I close my eyes and imagine, but no
picture appears

And this pleases me because It makes
the wait easier.
Goodnight.

One more thing.
I won't forget you.

I argue with myself...

She walked in the room, it was quiet the
lights are turned down low.
She sits down and opens her book and begins
to read quietly to herself.
"hey there" the voice whispers in her ear.
She shakes her head and ignores it.
"Oh come now talk to me" it says now much louder.
She slams the book down in frustration.
"What do you want?!" she said getting
up and staring at the ceiling.
The voice chuckled from the darkest corner of the room.
"Oh you know
what I want, I'm just here to give you a little perspective"
it said with laughter in the background.


"I Don't want to talk to you" she stated flatly.
A loud laugh echoed
through the room, "Oh but of course you don't...and
yet here I am" it said with
an annoying smile. She sighed.
"So tell me, the voice said smoothly sliding up to her ear,
why are you trying so hard to not think about it?"
"Because I don't want to! she seethed,
I just want to think about something else
I want to feel ok again" she sighed.


"But you will never feel okay again!
the voice insisted, It's not about you!" it stated.
"I know! she yelled back, It's never been about me!
I have served every part of my heart to people
on a platter, I have been there, stood there
taking all the blows
for everyone without once thinking about myself!
But now I just want to preserve
whats left of me" she sighed.
The voice slid back into the darkness,

"Ah I see, I see, but yet in your heart you
really want to, its just the scars telling you
not to take a chance this time,
but your heart wants to reach out so bad,
but everything else tells you that maybe
you should be selfish...just this once and save yourself"
She nodded tears falling down her face.
"But won't you lose more of
yourself if you turn your back now?"
she shook her head thinking. "Who are you?" she asked.
"Why do you always come?"
"Are you the demon who runs me into these walls,
I reach out to help and I end
up being the one who falls, or are you my angel
telling me to follow my heart?


Because quite frankly I never can tell,
your so....confusing!!!"
The voice was very quiet for several minutes,
when it spoke again she heard
the tears in its soft flowing voice.
"I am your heart, I am your mind, I am you.
I am who you really are
the one who says to risk it all because
it's worth it! But you never listen to
me!" "We both have been hurt but we are hurt
together, never once have I led you
the wrong way, but your so stubborn you won't
listen to me and you never admit
that I am right in the end" the voice sighed.
"You don't believe that the words "I love you"
are real because you have never seen anyone
acutally say them, so you believe that it's all
lost, so run"

She sat there head bowed looking at her hands.
"I'm tired of hurting, she whispered, I want
to believe you so bad sometimes but,
its to much for me to believe"
The voice grew into a soft whisper,
"Ah yes, the infamous you, you run from it all
your far to afraid to face it so you run,
oh boy do you run. You lost yourself in your
search to find...something else to hide behind...
and in the process you lost me"

She shook her head, "Your a liar! I know you are,
I'm better off without you!" she turned her face
to her hands and wept bitterly, only no tears
came from her eyes.
"Then why do you wish me back when you push me away!
You are not heartless, because I am still here.
As much as you want to me to leave sometimes
I cannot because you want me more then anything
else in the world, I belong to you I will not
leave but I will be silent for you....for now"
the voice's tones faded into the dark.

She sank to the ground and listened,
"don't go...." she whispered.
"I'm still here," the voice said sidling
up beside her. She shook her head
a single tear slid down her face.
"I'm not crazy, she whispered, I might talk to
myself but I'm not crazy"

"I know, the voice said sadly, your just alone"

She bowed her head and sighed, the voice
went into silence once more and the shadows
grew longer.



"When the room clears, I'm still here.
Who am I, when I'm alone?"