Trading In My Rope

As I pass the time now I see so much changing for me. It seems like the precious ones near me are disappearing. I feel my insides ache from this tragic loss to me.
I've found God telling me quietly to let go, to not depend so strongly on these people but only to depend on him.

Its sad to see them go, I don't need them to survive but I want them apart of me and apart of my life.
But slowly I've learned that loneliness isn't so bad if your not lonely. I know that sounds so goofy. Your going psh how could possibly live alone but not be lonely.

Well I suppose its the love of God that's showing me how to do this. Though at the same time its very painful because you sit and wonder sometimes...is there no one like me? Is there no one who sees what I see? But then again maybe thats the point.

I've learned to let go of so many things and people lately...its been the hardest time of my life I will admit. Constantly finding myself on my knees asking God to help me let go of these treasures so dear to me.

Some I almost cannot bare the thought of losing and yet its so selfish of me to try and to cling to them and keep them only to myself. I can't do this because it is not only wrong I know I'm am truly betraying them as a friend.

I used to think i was hanging by a rope and that these people were the ones that held me up. And they were to a point. But lately I've discovered that my selfishness for having them constantly in my life was really the rope that was dragging me over the edge to the abyss below.

So I've begun to let go and as I let go I begin to treasure and love them more because I know every second I have with them is on borrowed time. Oh how this breaks my heart...I don't want to lose them because they are so few and so rare. But they have lives to live things to discover and I...simply cannot go with them.

I'm sitting here now wondering if I died tomarrow if anyone would ever see this? Would anyone care. Would you see how much I cared about you? Probably not because your sitting there right now thinking...she's not talking about me. But thats a lie because I am talking about you. But you won't see this no one will, none of you know how much you mean to me.

Some of you think I'm just being a mutual friend but I really want to be your best friend but you won't believe that so telling you is pointless. Some of you are angry at me, you swear up and down that I hate you and that I'm the most awful person in the world because I let you go...that I hurt you. If only you knew...how much it hurt me to let you go. But you don't know and you won't know...ever.

If I die tomarrow my words will be come whispered ghosts. I know no one reads these blogs. I know no one cares but thats fine. I just wanted it to be said. :')

I love my Lord and right now he's the one holding my rope. Even as my heart cries at the thought of losing any of you I must put you to rest in my Father's hands and not fret about it. I fear losing you but I know if i don't let you go I'll lose you anyways.

See I'm trading my rope in. I'm trading it in for one that pulls me back up and not one that pulls me down.
I love you and even though these words you will never read I write them anyway.
I really do wish you the best even if...you don't see it. I do and your future is so beautiful but...it doesn't include me. And thats why I must let you go.

Maybe I'll find my house on a hill in Brazil someday lol right on the side of that lake. And I'll seclude myself in my home with fifty million books. And I'll think of all of you while I'm there and try to imagine how your life's are going and all the beautifulness inside of them. And I'll write stories about you ones with happy endings, my stories will be my silent wishes and prayers to God for your life.
And I can only hope you will live happy and in love with God and cherishing his every word and blessing.


Just be sure...to trade in your rope for his. Because his, is so much stronger then mine.

Christa

P.S. I love you all and I'm praying for you everyday...even as you fade away.

Trouble

Oh no, I see,
A spider web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
Oh I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And oh, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And oh, and I never meant to do you wrong,
And oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,
Singing out, oh I never meant to cause you trouble,

Oh, I never meant to do you wrong,
Oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

Coldplay

Swallowed In The Sea

artist of image http://aestheticaspirations.tumblr.com/post/3667631676/song-swallowed-in-the-sea-coldplay-image


You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to see you

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea


And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

Oh the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea


~Coldplay

powerless

Secluding myself, bringing on my own loneliness.
Pulling back and letting go all at once.
Not understanding why I don't have the strength
to tell you the truth.
Not understanding why I'm so scared to say it out
loud. So I won't, the fear drives me deep inside
somewhere in that room where I shut the door and
lock you all out.

Its better that way, so you don't see my silent
tears or my violent cries of desperation.
Not understanding why I allow the pain to continue
when I could just let it go and be free.

But freedom is something I've never learned, I never
could understand why you would offer me freedom for
what I've done. Sometimes I pray for punishment for you
to just be angry with me, to tell me I'm the horrible
sinner I know I am and to scorn me hurt me, beat me just
do something to make me feel punished..

But you won't, you refuse and I don't understand it.
Why have I lost my power so easily, I beg for pain from
you and yet you won't give it. Who would of thought that
I would beg to be punished, just to feel like I finally
got that I deserved. I never get what I deserve and I
deserve a lot of pain.

So I just go back to beating myself up hoping somehow it'll
fix how I feel but I know it won't. I'm guilty of not letting
it go and forgiving myself and gathering my freedom.
But what can you expect from the girl...who has never known
any better...

can I be honest?

So it begins, one more day. Today though I try my hardest not to..I feel lonely.
I close my eyes and imagine something not depressing something happy and wonderful.
But today it doesn't work today I have no strength to pull up myself up by the bootstraps and face the world.

I have no reason to feel lonely but I am. My world seems to be a constant cycle.
Each day bringing more frustration and few answers. More talk and few conversations.
If falling apart were and option I'd gladly take it just for the one chance to collapse and give up. To weep my heart out and not care who sees.

But I do care who sees. I do care what you think. So I will not collapse,I will not fall apart and I will not weep my heart out. Because if I did I fear they'd leave.
I've learned that none can handle my sadness none can handle my hurt, it frightens them. They grow angry and tell me I must pick up and move on.

I don't want to, I don't want to pick up. I want to give up! I want to lie down and give in to the pain. But doing it alone is unbearable. Its to hard that I cannot allow myself to fall. To many expect me to hold together.

What do you do when you simply can't hold together anymore?
I'm not depressed I'm not suicidal but I want to be allowed the chance to be human to feel pain now and again. Truth is tonight I have no answers! I have no hopes I just don't know anything.

Lord knows I'm asking him for answers to. Just yes I'm rambling, I'm frustrated.
Or maybe I'm angry I haven't a clue. Tonight I will go to bed with the overwhelming desire to cry myself to sleep. To turn off my phone and snuff out the world.
But I won't do this because I know its the incorrect way of approaching this. If this scares you I'm sorry I only wish to be honest today.

You may not see this often so take thought that tomorrow I'll put on my happy face and please the world but I'm praying you'll see through it, praying you'll see I hate it. And see that I'm trying to make you happy, won't you return the favor?

Sincerely..
Christa

Atop Paris

I climbed the rings of the Eiffel tower.
Just to say this to you
I climbed the Eiffel tower rung by rung to
write this to you.
I sit atop this tower looking out over this
world, thinking these thoughts I swore never
to recount again.
For the first time in so many years I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of letting you down, maybe one day
I'll have the strength to say this to you.


I've been wandering this world, dreaming in
my sleep wondering if I could ever be..just me.
I see the whole world from here but I don't see
you. So for you I sing this song from atop Paris
tonight...


I was born as happy as any child would be.
Now that I'm older I know what loneliness means
I never write songs, I never think long cause I
knew that its all for nothing anyways.
So now I sit thinking of the time I've spent creating
this numbness I feel, never allowing the tears to fall.
But tonight they falls from atop the Eiffel tower where I
sit writing this letter to you.


I've been wandering this world, dreaming in
my sleep wondering if I could ever be..just me.
I see the whole world from here but I don't see
you. So for you I sing this song from atop Paris
tonight...

So this letter comes to an end, I feel like its just
begun. God has a plan inside of his hand for me.
So God here's my heart, I hope that you read every part
Know that I love you with all my heart...
Cause tonight atop Paris you look quite beautiful to me.

Christa

Crumble

all that's happened, all that has become
has driven me to one place.
A place of complete insecurity I just don't
know what to think. Will you stay? Will you
leave? Will you betray me?
How do I know? How do I believe that I'm not
being set up once more, I just don't know if
I can take anymore.


Oh please if your sent to destroy me then just
do it, don't play games with me don't dance around
me leaving me with dreams that you care and hopes
that you won't hurt me. If your here to kill me just
do it, take your knife and kill me now I have nothing
left to lose I just want it to be over.

I know I'm supposed to say strong but I just don't feel like
I can anymore, I don't know what to believe or who will
betray me next, I come to see that when you open yourself
up to anyone your immediately vulnerable, any minute they
could turn on you leaving you diving frantically trying to
pull it all back together, the fear of what they do next
lurks in the shadows.


Falling apart is not an option, so if you here to destroy me
just do it now, so I may have the reason, I may have the reason
to crumble to the ground with not care of who sees.
For my heart to bleed out in agony and no one to stop it, my
destruction would be so simple...so easy. Just stab me, just beat
me, just do it all I don't care anymore. Just get it over with the
wait is driving me to my knees in anguish.


And if your not here to destroy me then show me I can trust you
show me that all that has happened is not my end.
I only wish to find some peace some solace just the place to sit
and regain some strength, some stability some...place to breathe.


If you want to destroy this soul you don't have much work left to
do, there isn't much left to destroy. Your job will be quick and
easy. I will give it to you quickly for the sake of it just being
over. Destroy me, see if I care, maybe I'll find some peace, some
life perhaps. If you really want to see me crumble.

I give up, I give in.
God save us, perhaps it'll be over soon....
God save our souls, if we make it through this night...
God save me again for no one else can.