far from ordinary

I've learned something about myself.
Something that sickens me beyond words.
I desire the approval of the people who
hurt me.
The constant thought of...would they want
me now? Am I good enough now? If I do this
will I be good enough for you?

To acknowledge this about myself is very
painful. I hate that fact I desire this.
But doesn't everyone? In someway or another
we desire to prove to those people we aren't
what they say we are.

That we are worth more then what they ditched
us for. I've had my heart torn out more ways
then one, and I find myself wondering...would
you love me now? Am I pretty enough for you now?
Am I quiet enough for you now? Am I special enough
to be your friend now? Am I everything you want?

Then I ask myself why I'm asking these questions.
Why do I lower myself to this? When I know that
I am worth more then they think I am. I regret so
much, but somewhere inside me I know that I'm
worth more then these questions and their approval.

The truth is they will never approve and they will
claim every chance to tell me I am ugly, that I am
to opinionated, that I am to weird for them to ever
love me. I'll never gain their approval because they
are to cynical and prideful to ever notice me or love
me.

But there are other people who do love me, who do care
for me. And I need to strive to make them proud.
But oh how I struggle, oh how I want you to love me so
much. I hate that I feel this way, and I will grow out
of it. I guess that just proves I'm young and foolish.

What you did to me pushed me to be something more.
I strive to succeed to prove you wrong, because your
words and actions left questions and doubts in my mind
that I could ever be good at all. I fight myself for
footing to succeed, I fight for the chance to be a little
more than ordinary.

Maybe inside I just want to be a little extraordinary.
Its selfish I know but, now I'm pushing myself to prove
to myself I am something other then a vacant lifeless
soul you left behind because I was to ordinary.

I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for me.
Its the only way I'll ever be what I truly desire
to be. I don't blame you, I forgive you. But I wish
you had just given me a chance to show you that I am
far from ordinary.

Christa

(picture done by http://kayanya.deviantart.com/)