Old Friend

Some days I feel like a wanderer.
Never to sure what the next turn will
bring me. Will it bring me peace?
Happiness? or my death instead.


I believe I belong where I am placed.
Why do i feel so out of place?
Why do i feel so out of my place?
And you...why have you come? Why are
you even here. You don't belong here either.

And quite honestly in my lost place your the
last person I wish to see.
I reached out I have no idea why I did, only
to discover you had forgotten me like I never
mattered at all.

You don't even bother to apologize and even if
you did I don't think I could accept it.
It hurts and yet its a relief to know its finally
over. To know that...I know longer owe you, I no
longer have an obligation to you. The one you hung
over my head keeping me always on that tight rope
near you.

It hurts to know that you can disregard me so fast
to toss me off and forget that my presence ever
occurred in your life. Knowing I meant nothing to you
at all except for your mindless entertainment.
I won't hate you though I want to and I'm so happy
that I never let myself love you in any kind of way.

So let me be, let me wander alone I don't want you
here. I want you gone so leave be gone like you made
me do. Don't come back, I may be wandering but I'm not
alone. Someone will wander with me but I do not want it
to be you. So be gone old friend, go now be your own scenic
and leave me to my peace, my happiness, my heartache.

It was never any of your business and I am so glad I never
told you. Because I knew from the very beginning..that I
could never trust you.

Don't apologize just leave.
Don't say goodbye, cause it won't mean a thing to me.
Don't tell me you won't forget me cause you will.
Don't come back, cause I won't be here next time.
Cause next time you'll be the one wandering and I'll
have found my home.
You indeed are just an...old friend.


Christa

Trust

Trusting and letting go is one of the
most difficult things for me.
I'm so certain I know whats best for myself
I refuse to let go of the past because of my
"trust issues" I'm a fool I know this.
I'm hurting myself more by doing this, I hate
that I do it.

During the day I can fully believe you care and
that you want me there. But when I go to sleep
at night questions badger me till my eyes close
from exhaustion. Doubts telling me I'm a fool to
think this way. There no way you could care, there's
no way anyone could care.

Its just me believing these foolish lies and I must
grow up and guard myself because I'm setting myself
up for more pain. But when I awake the next day and
I start my day you scatter those doubts in the wind
every single time. Every doubt I have I lose on the
wake of the day. I'm beginning to see that trust is
a risk.

A risk worth taking, trusting yourself to someone or
someones is the only way you'll ever find life.
What's a friendship if you can't take a risk?
If you hold yourself so ever closely wound without
letting anyone get near you or touch you then your are
setting yourself up to be failed. I'm setting myself
up to be failed.

I'm learning and I'm trying, it's taken much time and it'll
take much time. But somewhere deep down I'm beginning to
believe it is possible that they really care.
Others have proven themselves that they don't, shown me I was
their friend as long as I was useful. And yet for some reason
this doesn't hurt me. But their are other's who if they hurt me
like this I'd break in two and fall to the depths of the ocean.


But...I somehow don't think I will because I've learned
the people you trust the most if your careful with who you trust
they may hurt you but its never intentional, I trust them because
I don't believe they'll let me down.
Occasionally they do but everyone does so I've learned. Trusting is
a difficult thing but I'm learning. My heart is letting me feel again
even if its a little pain I know I'll be alright in the end.
Because I trust you.

Fight Inside

Enemy familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Knowing truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again

What I fear and what I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's still the same, pursuing pain
Isn't worth the light I've gained
We both know how this will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

I'm falling apart.

Fight Inside -Red

Your Tears Are Beautiful

You stare into the flickering tv light.
The images mean nothing in your eyes they
are just a distraction from your thoughts.
Your lying there staring at them, watching
them fly by as if they never existed.
Tears soak the pillow at your side, the tears
you could never cry.


Losing control is all you ever desired, but the
time and opportunity was never given to you.
You always just wanted them to at least believe
you were okay even when you knew you weren't.
Most days you would much rather sink into your
loneliness then let them know you hurt.


Because you loved them with a passion so much
different from any other. You wanted them to just
believe they were the reason you were happy. Even
though you weren't, and you didn't have the heart
to tell them. Or the heart to say it wasn't their
fault that you were this way.

You didn't have the strength to tell them it was
something more, something deeper. The loneliness
buried for so long. Now there stands a door a door
you want to open, someone stands on the other side.
Will they come in? Will they care for you? Your
dying to live you lonely soul. I see you, won't you
let me in?


Your life comes back to the present, to that tv
screen that tear soaked pillow, of those
tears..you never tried to cry. Who ever knew
that tears could be so beautiful? Who ever knew
someone so lonely could be so peaceful.

You run your hands over your face wiping away the
evidence that your heart exists. No one must ever
know of this pain, because you want them to believe
your happy. So you'll hide it a little while longer.
I can see your invisible tears when your smiling.
And I wish I could just show you that...your tears
are beautiful.

music

Se awoke in a dark room. It was so black inside
that she couldn't find a source of light anywhere.
A chuckle echos through the room and she searches
frantically looking for the source of the sound.
She crawled backwards, her back met the wall behind
her and she sits waiting eyes searching the blackness
frantically.


"Hello, the voice said smoothly, I'm back"
she swallowed and took a deep breathe and didn't say
anything in reply. She heard his footfalls coming across
the empty room before stopping in front of her.
A small light appeared in the room and she looked up and
saw his face.
He smiled evilly and slowly images began to appear on the
walls around her. Imaginations, fantasies her dreams she'd
rather forget.

"So, he said gleefully, here we are again. It's been awhile
I rather missed you! We have so much catching up to do."
She stared at the images for a moment one appeared making her
jump she closed her eyes and turned away.
"It's just a dream" she whispered. He laughed, "but it feels so
real doesn't it?"

She sighed and got to her feet avoiding his eyes.
She kept her eyes cast on the floor and hoped to awake soon, but
the images began to run along the floor to.
He sat down and laughed at her. "Do you really think you'll be
able to fight this? They aren't going anywhere, they will continue
until you just cannot stand it and they will continue all the more"


She placed her hands on her forehead attempting to block the images
coming into her head. She couldn't do this not again, it was just
to hard. Suddenly she heard something, something distant and far off
but something that didn't fit. Music, a song something that didn't
match these images. He chuckled, "Just ignore it, its nothing" but
she strained even harder to hear it. The harder she tried the louder
the song became. He came to his feet, "Stop it!, he cried, nothing can
change this!" She shook her head refusing to believe those words.

The song sounded through the dream coming to her very core disrupting
the images and motions. Enraged he flew at her, wrapping his hands around
her neck he seethed. "You can't get rid of me, I won't leave no matter
how hard to try" he let go and threw her to the ground.
She crawled to her knees, "I know, she whispered, but this time I'm not
alone"

The song grew louder, the images didn't stop. But the song remained.
She woke up, shaking but the song played on, reminding her it was
all okay.