As I pass the time now I see so much changing for me. It seems like the precious ones near me are disappearing. I feel my insides ache from this tragic loss to me.
I've found God telling me quietly to let go, to not depend so strongly on these people but only to depend on him.
Its sad to see them go, I don't need them to survive but I want them apart of me and apart of my life.
But slowly I've learned that loneliness isn't so bad if your not lonely. I know that sounds so goofy. Your going psh how could possibly live alone but not be lonely.
Well I suppose its the love of God that's showing me how to do this. Though at the same time its very painful because you sit and wonder sometimes...is there no one like me? Is there no one who sees what I see? But then again maybe thats the point.
I've learned to let go of so many things and people lately...its been the hardest time of my life I will admit. Constantly finding myself on my knees asking God to help me let go of these treasures so dear to me.
Some I almost cannot bare the thought of losing and yet its so selfish of me to try and to cling to them and keep them only to myself. I can't do this because it is not only wrong I know I'm am truly betraying them as a friend.
I used to think i was hanging by a rope and that these people were the ones that held me up. And they were to a point. But lately I've discovered that my selfishness for having them constantly in my life was really the rope that was dragging me over the edge to the abyss below.
So I've begun to let go and as I let go I begin to treasure and love them more because I know every second I have with them is on borrowed time. Oh how this breaks my heart...I don't want to lose them because they are so few and so rare. But they have lives to live things to discover and I...simply cannot go with them.
I'm sitting here now wondering if I died tomarrow if anyone would ever see this? Would anyone care. Would you see how much I cared about you? Probably not because your sitting there right now thinking...she's not talking about me. But thats a lie because I am talking about you. But you won't see this no one will, none of you know how much you mean to me.
Some of you think I'm just being a mutual friend but I really want to be your best friend but you won't believe that so telling you is pointless. Some of you are angry at me, you swear up and down that I hate you and that I'm the most awful person in the world because I let you go...that I hurt you. If only you knew...how much it hurt me to let you go. But you don't know and you won't know...ever.
If I die tomarrow my words will be come whispered ghosts. I know no one reads these blogs. I know no one cares but thats fine. I just wanted it to be said. :')
I love my Lord and right now he's the one holding my rope. Even as my heart cries at the thought of losing any of you I must put you to rest in my Father's hands and not fret about it. I fear losing you but I know if i don't let you go I'll lose you anyways.
See I'm trading my rope in. I'm trading it in for one that pulls me back up and not one that pulls me down.
I love you and even though these words you will never read I write them anyway.
I really do wish you the best even if...you don't see it. I do and your future is so beautiful but...it doesn't include me. And thats why I must let you go.
Maybe I'll find my house on a hill in Brazil someday lol right on the side of that lake. And I'll seclude myself in my home with fifty million books. And I'll think of all of you while I'm there and try to imagine how your life's are going and all the beautifulness inside of them. And I'll write stories about you ones with happy endings, my stories will be my silent wishes and prayers to God for your life.
And I can only hope you will live happy and in love with God and cherishing his every word and blessing.
Just be sure...to trade in your rope for his. Because his, is so much stronger then mine.
Christa
P.S. I love you all and I'm praying for you everyday...even as you fade away.
