The biggest fool I am, I struggle trying to decide why I stay. You're mere presence and attitude are enough to drive me away. I know that is exactly what you want. And I want to fight you, I want to strike back I want to make you swallow down the sour taste of my existence. I am so angry and I want to give up, and give in. I want to let you win because people like you always win. You destroy me you attack me and make me appear the fool. You destroy the things I love, you destroy it all. I want to cry but I know you would love that. There is no rest for you, and there is no place for me. No one I can plead my case to, when I finally feel apart I begin to feel alone.
If i could describe this anger and frustration... if I could describe how badly my heart hurts. How I want to strike back I want to scream I want just this once to have something of my own. But no you must always intrude you must always steal away, all I want is my little precious joys. I don't want to be seen I don't want to be anything special I just want to be left alone to my joys
Once again I will probably have to exit so you can have your wishes, I dream of the day when life is perfect and I can finally find my peace, because as I wander this earth for every joy I am followed by a million sorrows, and million destroyers and a million deceits.
No matter what I do you will get a sick joy out of harming me, of ripping me apart, and I let you because I don't want to fight. I'll let you have it because I feel like I didn't deserve it in the first place. Yet on the inside I believe with all my soul that you don't deserve it either and I swallow the bitter taste of knowing...you'll probably have it anyways.
Oh why did I ever dream? Why did I ever hope? Why do I fall so hard every time? Why do I allow you to continue...but you'll always be there no matter where I go...you'll just be wearing a different mask.
Christa
