Masks

The biggest fool I am, I struggle trying to decide why I stay. You're mere presence and attitude are enough to drive me away. I know that is exactly what you want. And I want to fight you, I want to strike back I want to make you swallow down the sour taste of my existence.

I am so angry and I want to give up, and give in. I want to let you win because people like you always win. You destroy me you attack me and make me appear the fool. You destroy the things I love, you destroy it all. I want to cry but I know you would love that. There is no rest for you, and there is no place for me. No one I can plead my case to, when I finally feel apart I begin to feel alone.

If i could describe this anger and frustration... if I could describe how badly my heart hurts. How I want to strike back I want to scream I want just this once to have something of my own. But no you must always intrude you must always steal away, all I want is my little precious joys. I don't want to be seen I don't want to be anything special I just want to be left alone to my joys

Once again I will probably have to exit so you can have your wishes, I dream of the day when life is perfect and I can finally find my peace, because as I wander this earth for every joy I am followed by a million sorrows, and million destroyers and a million deceits.

No matter what I do you will get a sick joy out of harming me, of ripping me apart, and I let you because I don't want to fight. I'll let you have it because I feel like I didn't deserve it in the first place. Yet on the inside I believe with all my soul that you don't deserve it either and I swallow the bitter taste of knowing...you'll probably have it anyways.

Oh why did I ever dream? Why did I ever hope? Why do I fall so hard every time? Why do I allow you to continue...but you'll always be there no matter where I go...you'll just be wearing a different mask.

Christa

Silhouette

I'm tired of waking up in tears

'Cause I can't put to bed

these phobias and fears

I'm new to this grief I can't explain

But I'm no stranger to the

heartache and the pain



The fire I began

is burning me alive

But I know better than to

leave and let it die



I'm a silhouette asking every now and then

"Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?"

I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own

But the more I try to move on,

the more I feel alone

So I watch the summer stars

to lead me home



I'm sick of the past I can't erase

A jumble of footprints

and hasty steps I can't retrace

The mountain of things I still regret

Is a vile reminder that

I would rather just forget



The fire I began is

burning me alive

But I know better than to

leave and let it die



I'm a silhouette asking

every now and then

"Is it over yet?

Will I ever smile again?"

I'm a silhouette chasing

rainbows on my own

But the more I try to move on,

the more I feel alone

So I watch the summer stars

to lead me home



'Cause I walk alone

No matter where I go



I'm a silhouette asking every

now and then (now and then)

"Is it over yet? Will I ever love again?"

I'm a silhouette chasing

rainbows on my own

But the more I try to move on,

the more I feel alone

So I watch the summer stars

to lead me home



I watch the summer stars to lead me home.



Silhouette-Owl City

The Phantom

I had a dream about me, I dreamt I was in a world where I was alone.

I breathed the air around me and searched for life, I saw you nearby.

I talked to you but you didn't seem to hear me, I touched you and you did not seem to notice.

I began to wonder if I was just a phantom, if I really exsisted at all in your world.

I believed that if you would just reach out and touch me, I would know for sure I was really there.

I hoped someone would touch me, just to prove to me that I wasn't a phantom after all.

But you wouldn't reach out to me, so I tried to wake up.

But I could not, for this was reality. And you did not see me, I was invisable to you.

I had no place in your world.

My sweetest downfall

Some days I sit here alone, I work, think and study alone. I watch you all from a distence. I smile as you make your lives, plan your futures and become beautiful, wonderful, and gracious.

Alas I am very happy for you, I love you, I wouldn't change a thing. Sometimes you tell me I'm beautiful, you say I'm remarkable, that I am special to you. You thank me for being the most wonderful friend in the world and how you could never do with out me. You say that I am one of a kind and I smile and nod and say thank you.

But yet I sit in the stillness pondering why I am left behind in your lives. You say thank you, and then you cast a farewell to me and embark upon your new life. I thought we understood eachother, I thought that made it special? But not quite special enough.

I watch you happily as your life plans out and becomes beautiful. Then i come back to my world and see myself still in my room, with my messy hair and worn out eyes. My skin cracks from to much work and little time to care for them. My room lies in ruins reminding me that it needs repairing, my body aches in exhaustion my nails are broken and ungracful.

My bank account tells me I need to stay home and save money,the weather outside imprisons me inside and imprisons my soul even deeper within my shell. I don't see all the attributes you claimed I had. I ponder why if I was so precious to you why you left, why your new life no longer includes me at all.

But it is not my place to ever ask you, you have moved on to different seas, and I remain in my ocean of empty space and routines. I try not to miss you, for I feel it is not my right to do so because you are finally happy. I try not to think about you so my tears won't peak their way out, I wish I could let you go as easily as you let me go.

Alas though I cannot, I'm far to softhearted for that, despite what I may say I loved you, even for the littlist moment. You may forget but I never will, the time we shared, the jokes we charished the lifetime of memories of you will remain as you move on.

I now see my homework is stacked in piles, work begins soon and yet I sit repeating my sad songs and pondering my own outcomes. I see now I could not have done anything different, I just know I'll miss you. And I secretly wish you had never said those things to me, it would make your leaving so much easier.

I sigh and shake my head and laugh, sincerely laugh, how could you have done this? Only heaven knows, but I push you aside now, all of you. And I focus on my shabby life at hand, because one way or another this is the life I live with or without you. And I must make the best without it, even though deep down I need you here so badly, I need your presence with me once again. But that is gone now and now I must move on.

Christa

You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first. ~Regina Spektor