Some days I sit here alone, I work, think and study alone. I watch you all from a distence. I smile as you make your lives, plan your futures and become beautiful, wonderful, and gracious.
Alas I am very happy for you, I love you, I wouldn't change a thing. Sometimes you tell me I'm beautiful, you say I'm remarkable, that I am special to you. You thank me for being the most wonderful friend in the world and how you could never do with out me. You say that I am one of a kind and I smile and nod and say thank you.
But yet I sit in the stillness pondering why I am left behind in your lives. You say thank you, and then you cast a farewell to me and embark upon your new life. I thought we understood eachother, I thought that made it special? But not quite special enough.
I watch you happily as your life plans out and becomes beautiful. Then i come back to my world and see myself still in my room, with my messy hair and worn out eyes. My skin cracks from to much work and little time to care for them. My room lies in ruins reminding me that it needs repairing, my body aches in exhaustion my nails are broken and ungracful.
My bank account tells me I need to stay home and save money,the weather outside imprisons me inside and imprisons my soul even deeper within my shell. I don't see all the attributes you claimed I had. I ponder why if I was so precious to you why you left, why your new life no longer includes me at all.
But it is not my place to ever ask you, you have moved on to different seas, and I remain in my ocean of empty space and routines. I try not to miss you, for I feel it is not my right to do so because you are finally happy. I try not to think about you so my tears won't peak their way out, I wish I could let you go as easily as you let me go.
Alas though I cannot, I'm far to softhearted for that, despite what I may say I loved you, even for the littlist moment. You may forget but I never will, the time we shared, the jokes we charished the lifetime of memories of you will remain as you move on.
I now see my homework is stacked in piles, work begins soon and yet I sit repeating my sad songs and pondering my own outcomes. I see now I could not have done anything different, I just know I'll miss you. And I secretly wish you had never said those things to me, it would make your leaving so much easier.
I sigh and shake my head and laugh, sincerely laugh, how could you have done this? Only heaven knows, but I push you aside now, all of you. And I focus on my shabby life at hand, because one way or another this is the life I live with or without you. And I must make the best without it, even though deep down I need you here so badly, I need your presence with me once again. But that is gone now and now I must move on.
Christa
You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first. ~Regina Spektor
