Be gone, be gone from me. Leave me be, leave me to my wounds, my shadows, my scars. I have given you what you wanted. I have become the freak you wanted, the joke you so badly needed to laugh at. Now leave me...leave me be with my pain you will never see.
I tire of hurting, I tire of being your joke. Why can I not just leave you be? Why do I rise to your foolery. I know you care nothing for me, I know to you I am a freak, a fool for an unknown cause. But you don't know my cause you don't know my pain. I am broken and I have not a clue as to how to repair this broken heart of me.
I have spent much time observing others and their pain, I have invested, pried and worked to figure them out. I never knew why until now. It is because I am broken and I know not how to fix me, so I try to fix everyone else. But I will not fix you nor will I try. I truly care nothing for you, you were a hope of a better ending.
But you are not my happy ending, and I will not let your thought of me destroy me or contain me. But right now I am in pain, and you have showed me how very little you mean to me. I care not if you return or if you leave, I care not if you choose to torment me because you shall not reach my heart.
It may be broken but it is not defeated, and it is not wretched. Through its pain it beats faster, harder, and stronger. I write this not for you but for me, knowing that at this moment you laugh at me, that you think me strange. I want to curse you, I bitterly weep. Not for the pain you have caused me but for the pain I feel around me from other sources. But your existence makes this pain even more sour.
I care not for you, I will not stumble when I see you. I will not think of you again in my spare thoughts. I am not wretched I am not a freak, I am not to be castaway. I am not proud, but I also will not be kicked down and lay in wait for my end. I care not if you forget me, or if you think of me. I intend you no distress or pain but I do hope you exit my life quickly and safely.
You never cared for me so don't lie and say you did. I will look for you no more, I will live on in peace. I believe love exists somewhere before me, but alas it is not with you. So I abandon you with questions I will never give the courteously to answer, I depart from this awful place I have been placed in and I will rise above repaired and hopeful.
Laugh away at me, I care not, I may be different.
But there is no one I'd rather be, than me.
Christa
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
The Storm
It started with the rain; it always starts with the rain. A cold icy rain that drips down your finger tips and leaves them numb and cold as snow.
Then it’s the thunder, the thunder is so loud it completely shatters all resolve you have to remain standing. And then the lightening, it’s the lightening that stops your heart and your soul tries to rip its self out of your cage of a body. It’s the moment that leaves you breathless and unwilling to finish what you’ve started./>
I stand alone trembling as the storm draws closer. I carefully shed my warm coat and leave it by the close standing tree. The cold rain pelts my bare shoulders and partially exposed back. The icy droplets trickle down my hair and leave it clinging almost lifelessly to my back. The storm surrounds me like a whirlwind and pulls me to the center of its fury. The lightening strikes around me making its presence well known, and only missing me by a few feet. It seems to hiss and cast more rain at me as if in anticipation of what I am about to offer it. I take a deep breath and gather my thoughts together. I draw the memory to the front of my mind and pull all the small pieces with it so as not to miss any of it. I linger over it only a few moments before clenching my teeth and preparing for what comes next./>
Before I allow myself to reconsider and close my eyes and wait for the strike. The lightening is fiery hot when it hits me; it feels like every nerve in my body is being torn from me. The shock reverberates through my body and throws me through a million memories all at once, from good to bad to the most horrific you could ever imagine. It takes me on a tour of my own awful memories before reaching the one I have chosen. It lingers on this one making me feel the pain for just a moment longer and then painfully tears it from my mind, all this within a matter of seconds. The pull is so strong that upon the release I am thrown backwards away from the raging storm above me, before breaking away I see only for a moment; his face. I fall to the sandy ground beneath me and lay motionless as the storm recounts its path and takes its self back across the barren lands, leaving me there alone. The air in my lungs burns like fire as I try to breathe normally; I feel my heart stabilize as the pain from my body slowly fades./>
I shiver as the rain continues to pelt my skin; I cannot find the strength to pull myself up off the ground. All the strength I had has been drained from me and all that is left now is to give in to the power of exhaustion. My eyes shutter closed and only for a moment do I hope that I could die here, beneath the lifeless sky of some unknown world I thought I once knew. But my thoughts are lost to the sad sound of rain and wind, my body gives in to the pull of sleep and I lose all memory of what has just taken place. Just…as I had planned it, I am safe until he finds me.
I stand alone trembling as the storm draws closer. I carefully shed my warm coat and leave it by the close standing tree. The cold rain pelts my bare shoulders and partially exposed back. The icy droplets trickle down my hair and leave it clinging almost lifelessly to my back. The storm surrounds me like a whirlwind and pulls me to the center of its fury. The lightening strikes around me making its presence well known, and only missing me by a few feet. It seems to hiss and cast more rain at me as if in anticipation of what I am about to offer it. I take a deep breath and gather my thoughts together. I draw the memory to the front of my mind and pull all the small pieces with it so as not to miss any of it. I linger over it only a few moments before clenching my teeth and preparing for what comes next./>
Before I allow myself to reconsider and close my eyes and wait for the strike. The lightening is fiery hot when it hits me; it feels like every nerve in my body is being torn from me. The shock reverberates through my body and throws me through a million memories all at once, from good to bad to the most horrific you could ever imagine. It takes me on a tour of my own awful memories before reaching the one I have chosen. It lingers on this one making me feel the pain for just a moment longer and then painfully tears it from my mind, all this within a matter of seconds. The pull is so strong that upon the release I am thrown backwards away from the raging storm above me, before breaking away I see only for a moment; his face. I fall to the sandy ground beneath me and lay motionless as the storm recounts its path and takes its self back across the barren lands, leaving me there alone. The air in my lungs burns like fire as I try to breathe normally; I feel my heart stabilize as the pain from my body slowly fades./>
I shiver as the rain continues to pelt my skin; I cannot find the strength to pull myself up off the ground. All the strength I had has been drained from me and all that is left now is to give in to the power of exhaustion. My eyes shutter closed and only for a moment do I hope that I could die here, beneath the lifeless sky of some unknown world I thought I once knew. But my thoughts are lost to the sad sound of rain and wind, my body gives in to the pull of sleep and I lose all memory of what has just taken place. Just…as I had planned it, I am safe until he finds me.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
If I Die Young
To. You
From. The Young One
If I die young, I'd hope you wouldn't cry for me. I died in the good part of my life. The part where life is still exciting. The part where we as young people believe dreams come true and where every moment is a chance to fall in love
If I die young I ask forgiveness from the people I love and loved. I know at some point or another I've hurt you, let you down and acted selfishly. I should have told you sooner how much I love you and how much I appreciate every aspect of who you are.
Its sad how we spend our lives talking but never say the important things that truly matter. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't listen to every word you didn't say. I'm sorry I didn't catch the hidden words you tried to say. It was my mistake and I regretfully wish I had listened more closely.
To my enemies after I am dead I'm sure you will rejoice victoriously over my demise. To you I send my true and sincere apologies. I hurt you, weather intentionally or unintentionally I hurt some part of you and I am sorry for that. At this point my dislike for you is gone and I see plainly all that I have done to you. For this I am sorry.
Once I am gone this letter will lie between the pages of my life, forgotten and lost, but know I meant every word. Because if I die young I won't get to tell you any of this.
To my young admirers who want to be just like me someday. Take heed to these words I write to you. Please be everything I wasn't. Listen to the silence, pray for true peace and love your enemies, even if they strike out and hurt you. Know that they don't mean to, its their nature its how they keep themselves safe.
Wash you hands of shame and regret and reach out in love. Live longer than me and build a legacy that I could not build.
If I die young, know that I died very much alive. Know that I died with a dream in my mind and foolishly believing I was in love. If I die young know that I loved you with all my heart and I hoped for so much more time with you.
But perhaps I won't get to be so lucky tp spend the rest of my life being near you. Because I might die young and leave you here alone.
Yes I died young but I died with love in my heart and around me and that's all I could have wished for.
I love you
From ~The Young One~
From. The Young One
If I die young, I'd hope you wouldn't cry for me. I died in the good part of my life. The part where life is still exciting. The part where we as young people believe dreams come true and where every moment is a chance to fall in love
If I die young I ask forgiveness from the people I love and loved. I know at some point or another I've hurt you, let you down and acted selfishly. I should have told you sooner how much I love you and how much I appreciate every aspect of who you are.
Its sad how we spend our lives talking but never say the important things that truly matter. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't listen to every word you didn't say. I'm sorry I didn't catch the hidden words you tried to say. It was my mistake and I regretfully wish I had listened more closely.
To my enemies after I am dead I'm sure you will rejoice victoriously over my demise. To you I send my true and sincere apologies. I hurt you, weather intentionally or unintentionally I hurt some part of you and I am sorry for that. At this point my dislike for you is gone and I see plainly all that I have done to you. For this I am sorry.
Once I am gone this letter will lie between the pages of my life, forgotten and lost, but know I meant every word. Because if I die young I won't get to tell you any of this.
To my young admirers who want to be just like me someday. Take heed to these words I write to you. Please be everything I wasn't. Listen to the silence, pray for true peace and love your enemies, even if they strike out and hurt you. Know that they don't mean to, its their nature its how they keep themselves safe.
Wash you hands of shame and regret and reach out in love. Live longer than me and build a legacy that I could not build.
If I die young, know that I died very much alive. Know that I died with a dream in my mind and foolishly believing I was in love. If I die young know that I loved you with all my heart and I hoped for so much more time with you.
But perhaps I won't get to be so lucky tp spend the rest of my life being near you. Because I might die young and leave you here alone.
Yes I died young but I died with love in my heart and around me and that's all I could have wished for.
I love you
From ~The Young One~
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Dating is like Touch-Football
Dating is like playing touch football with a bunch of teenagers who just hit puberty..
Its painful, it has no point and really in the end you walk away hurting all over and wondering why you even played..
The dating game is set up much like a highschool touch-football game. Everyone is placed into a team. Of course you lose out to the fastest guy, the prettiest girl and so on. And once the teams are filled your left with a sideline of losers who want to play but weren't cool enough to be picked..
So we sit and watch everyone else play hoping that maybe if we cheer hard enough we will be noticed and maybe picked the next time around..
.
So we sit and watch our prettier friends get bashed, beaten, tackled and all around bruised and scratched up....and we still want to play?.
Its a painful train wreck to watch and yet we still want to participate in it. Than finally someone gets injured and one of us sideliners gets pulled in. And we are all excited and ready to play. And our teammates give us all these "tips" on how to play..
Honestly...we should have just read the rule book or just paid actual attention to what they were doing and concluded what not to do. But we are so excited to be apart of the team we just do what they ask. The game ends...they walk away and the lil sideliner crashes and burns from inexperiance and pain..
They say, oh you'll get better with more practice! So keep trying!.
Finally one day you have that one kid, whos sitting on the sidelines watching. And he or she goes...screw it this is stupid. And decides to play his own game. Which only requires two players..
So he goes to his little corner and plans his game. Now he looks for another player. But for someone strange reason...no one will play. Why? Because its not "cool" so hes left in his corner waiting for someone who's willing to play a whole new game..
So the question is, are you game for a whole new game?.
Are you willing to play?.
Christa
Its painful, it has no point and really in the end you walk away hurting all over and wondering why you even played..
The dating game is set up much like a highschool touch-football game. Everyone is placed into a team. Of course you lose out to the fastest guy, the prettiest girl and so on. And once the teams are filled your left with a sideline of losers who want to play but weren't cool enough to be picked..
So we sit and watch everyone else play hoping that maybe if we cheer hard enough we will be noticed and maybe picked the next time around..
.
So we sit and watch our prettier friends get bashed, beaten, tackled and all around bruised and scratched up....and we still want to play?.
Its a painful train wreck to watch and yet we still want to participate in it. Than finally someone gets injured and one of us sideliners gets pulled in. And we are all excited and ready to play. And our teammates give us all these "tips" on how to play..
Honestly...we should have just read the rule book or just paid actual attention to what they were doing and concluded what not to do. But we are so excited to be apart of the team we just do what they ask. The game ends...they walk away and the lil sideliner crashes and burns from inexperiance and pain..
They say, oh you'll get better with more practice! So keep trying!.
Finally one day you have that one kid, whos sitting on the sidelines watching. And he or she goes...screw it this is stupid. And decides to play his own game. Which only requires two players..
So he goes to his little corner and plans his game. Now he looks for another player. But for someone strange reason...no one will play. Why? Because its not "cool" so hes left in his corner waiting for someone who's willing to play a whole new game..
So the question is, are you game for a whole new game?.
Are you willing to play?.
Christa
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Layers
Layers. Layers are what I've created to hide me.
I've carefully constructed each one to protect the other.
I find walls are easily broken so I created layers.
Like paint, you just paint over and over and over again.
And eventually there is little to no hope of ever seeing the
original construction beneath.
I'm not completely hopeless at least i don't think I am. I
figured oh hey someday someone will peel them back and it'll
all be okay.
What I didn't expect was for them to be torn off at once.
One moment I'm fully concealed in my little picture and the next
I'm pulled out into the light and the layer begin to fall off.
As God tears these layers off I begin to grow weak. I begin to
cry. I begin to see light and it hurts.
My heart and soul are so sore. My physical body feels weak.
You are finally fet up with my charade, my selfishness.
The things I do to hide everything so I won't hurt.
I should have never questioned you. I should have never hidden myself.
From you or anyone else. But I was so scared. Now I'm really scared.
Because now it hurts, now it stings and burns and aches, and I cannot
fix or hide it. Nothing will numb it. My charade and my colors were all
I had to feel safe.
But safety is not your style, comfort isn't your way. Bringing me back
to who I once was. Who I've always been. I knew deep inside I was alive
I just couldn't fix it myself.
Everyday is a reminder of everything I've done. Everything I've destroyed
everything I hid deep inside.
Now I'm lost I don't know what to do. And I am so vulnerable that I am terrified.
The layers are peeling,
my feelings are fleeting.
And I'm pleading for you to stop.
Christa
I drift on your ocean floor, I feel weightless numb and sore ~Switchfoot
I've carefully constructed each one to protect the other.
I find walls are easily broken so I created layers.
Like paint, you just paint over and over and over again.
And eventually there is little to no hope of ever seeing the
original construction beneath.
I'm not completely hopeless at least i don't think I am. I
figured oh hey someday someone will peel them back and it'll
all be okay.
What I didn't expect was for them to be torn off at once.
One moment I'm fully concealed in my little picture and the next
I'm pulled out into the light and the layer begin to fall off.
As God tears these layers off I begin to grow weak. I begin to
cry. I begin to see light and it hurts.
My heart and soul are so sore. My physical body feels weak.
You are finally fet up with my charade, my selfishness.
The things I do to hide everything so I won't hurt.
I should have never questioned you. I should have never hidden myself.
From you or anyone else. But I was so scared. Now I'm really scared.
Because now it hurts, now it stings and burns and aches, and I cannot
fix or hide it. Nothing will numb it. My charade and my colors were all
I had to feel safe.
But safety is not your style, comfort isn't your way. Bringing me back
to who I once was. Who I've always been. I knew deep inside I was alive
I just couldn't fix it myself.
Everyday is a reminder of everything I've done. Everything I've destroyed
everything I hid deep inside.
Now I'm lost I don't know what to do. And I am so vulnerable that I am terrified.
The layers are peeling,
my feelings are fleeting.
And I'm pleading for you to stop.
Christa
I drift on your ocean floor, I feel weightless numb and sore ~Switchfoot
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Trading In My Rope
As I pass the time now I see so much changing for me. It seems like the precious ones near me are disappearing. I feel my insides ache from this tragic loss to me.
I've found God telling me quietly to let go, to not depend so strongly on these people but only to depend on him.
Its sad to see them go, I don't need them to survive but I want them apart of me and apart of my life.
But slowly I've learned that loneliness isn't so bad if your not lonely. I know that sounds so goofy. Your going psh how could possibly live alone but not be lonely.
Well I suppose its the love of God that's showing me how to do this. Though at the same time its very painful because you sit and wonder sometimes...is there no one like me? Is there no one who sees what I see? But then again maybe thats the point.
I've learned to let go of so many things and people lately...its been the hardest time of my life I will admit. Constantly finding myself on my knees asking God to help me let go of these treasures so dear to me.
Some I almost cannot bare the thought of losing and yet its so selfish of me to try and to cling to them and keep them only to myself. I can't do this because it is not only wrong I know I'm am truly betraying them as a friend.
I used to think i was hanging by a rope and that these people were the ones that held me up. And they were to a point. But lately I've discovered that my selfishness for having them constantly in my life was really the rope that was dragging me over the edge to the abyss below.
So I've begun to let go and as I let go I begin to treasure and love them more because I know every second I have with them is on borrowed time. Oh how this breaks my heart...I don't want to lose them because they are so few and so rare. But they have lives to live things to discover and I...simply cannot go with them.
I'm sitting here now wondering if I died tomarrow if anyone would ever see this? Would anyone care. Would you see how much I cared about you? Probably not because your sitting there right now thinking...she's not talking about me. But thats a lie because I am talking about you. But you won't see this no one will, none of you know how much you mean to me.
Some of you think I'm just being a mutual friend but I really want to be your best friend but you won't believe that so telling you is pointless. Some of you are angry at me, you swear up and down that I hate you and that I'm the most awful person in the world because I let you go...that I hurt you. If only you knew...how much it hurt me to let you go. But you don't know and you won't know...ever.
If I die tomarrow my words will be come whispered ghosts. I know no one reads these blogs. I know no one cares but thats fine. I just wanted it to be said. :')
I love my Lord and right now he's the one holding my rope. Even as my heart cries at the thought of losing any of you I must put you to rest in my Father's hands and not fret about it. I fear losing you but I know if i don't let you go I'll lose you anyways.
See I'm trading my rope in. I'm trading it in for one that pulls me back up and not one that pulls me down.
I love you and even though these words you will never read I write them anyway.
I really do wish you the best even if...you don't see it. I do and your future is so beautiful but...it doesn't include me. And thats why I must let you go.
Maybe I'll find my house on a hill in Brazil someday lol right on the side of that lake. And I'll seclude myself in my home with fifty million books. And I'll think of all of you while I'm there and try to imagine how your life's are going and all the beautifulness inside of them. And I'll write stories about you ones with happy endings, my stories will be my silent wishes and prayers to God for your life.
And I can only hope you will live happy and in love with God and cherishing his every word and blessing.
Just be sure...to trade in your rope for his. Because his, is so much stronger then mine.
Christa
P.S. I love you all and I'm praying for you everyday...even as you fade away.
I've found God telling me quietly to let go, to not depend so strongly on these people but only to depend on him.
Its sad to see them go, I don't need them to survive but I want them apart of me and apart of my life.
But slowly I've learned that loneliness isn't so bad if your not lonely. I know that sounds so goofy. Your going psh how could possibly live alone but not be lonely.
Well I suppose its the love of God that's showing me how to do this. Though at the same time its very painful because you sit and wonder sometimes...is there no one like me? Is there no one who sees what I see? But then again maybe thats the point.
I've learned to let go of so many things and people lately...its been the hardest time of my life I will admit. Constantly finding myself on my knees asking God to help me let go of these treasures so dear to me.
Some I almost cannot bare the thought of losing and yet its so selfish of me to try and to cling to them and keep them only to myself. I can't do this because it is not only wrong I know I'm am truly betraying them as a friend.
I used to think i was hanging by a rope and that these people were the ones that held me up. And they were to a point. But lately I've discovered that my selfishness for having them constantly in my life was really the rope that was dragging me over the edge to the abyss below.
So I've begun to let go and as I let go I begin to treasure and love them more because I know every second I have with them is on borrowed time. Oh how this breaks my heart...I don't want to lose them because they are so few and so rare. But they have lives to live things to discover and I...simply cannot go with them.
I'm sitting here now wondering if I died tomarrow if anyone would ever see this? Would anyone care. Would you see how much I cared about you? Probably not because your sitting there right now thinking...she's not talking about me. But thats a lie because I am talking about you. But you won't see this no one will, none of you know how much you mean to me.
Some of you think I'm just being a mutual friend but I really want to be your best friend but you won't believe that so telling you is pointless. Some of you are angry at me, you swear up and down that I hate you and that I'm the most awful person in the world because I let you go...that I hurt you. If only you knew...how much it hurt me to let you go. But you don't know and you won't know...ever.
If I die tomarrow my words will be come whispered ghosts. I know no one reads these blogs. I know no one cares but thats fine. I just wanted it to be said. :')
I love my Lord and right now he's the one holding my rope. Even as my heart cries at the thought of losing any of you I must put you to rest in my Father's hands and not fret about it. I fear losing you but I know if i don't let you go I'll lose you anyways.
See I'm trading my rope in. I'm trading it in for one that pulls me back up and not one that pulls me down.
I love you and even though these words you will never read I write them anyway.
I really do wish you the best even if...you don't see it. I do and your future is so beautiful but...it doesn't include me. And thats why I must let you go.
Maybe I'll find my house on a hill in Brazil someday lol right on the side of that lake. And I'll seclude myself in my home with fifty million books. And I'll think of all of you while I'm there and try to imagine how your life's are going and all the beautifulness inside of them. And I'll write stories about you ones with happy endings, my stories will be my silent wishes and prayers to God for your life.
And I can only hope you will live happy and in love with God and cherishing his every word and blessing.
Just be sure...to trade in your rope for his. Because his, is so much stronger then mine.
Christa
P.S. I love you all and I'm praying for you everyday...even as you fade away.
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