Be gone, be gone from me. Leave me be, leave me to my wounds, my shadows, my scars. I have given you what you wanted. I have become the freak you wanted, the joke you so badly needed to laugh at. Now leave me...leave me be with my pain you will never see.
I tire of hurting, I tire of being your joke. Why can I not just leave you be? Why do I rise to your foolery. I know you care nothing for me, I know to you I am a freak, a fool for an unknown cause. But you don't know my cause you don't know my pain. I am broken and I have not a clue as to how to repair this broken heart of me.
I have spent much time observing others and their pain, I have invested, pried and worked to figure them out. I never knew why until now. It is because I am broken and I know not how to fix me, so I try to fix everyone else. But I will not fix you nor will I try. I truly care nothing for you, you were a hope of a better ending.
But you are not my happy ending, and I will not let your thought of me destroy me or contain me. But right now I am in pain, and you have showed me how very little you mean to me. I care not if you return or if you leave, I care not if you choose to torment me because you shall not reach my heart.
It may be broken but it is not defeated, and it is not wretched. Through its pain it beats faster, harder, and stronger. I write this not for you but for me, knowing that at this moment you laugh at me, that you think me strange. I want to curse you, I bitterly weep. Not for the pain you have caused me but for the pain I feel around me from other sources. But your existence makes this pain even more sour.
I care not for you, I will not stumble when I see you. I will not think of you again in my spare thoughts. I am not wretched I am not a freak, I am not to be castaway. I am not proud, but I also will not be kicked down and lay in wait for my end. I care not if you forget me, or if you think of me. I intend you no distress or pain but I do hope you exit my life quickly and safely.
You never cared for me so don't lie and say you did. I will look for you no more, I will live on in peace. I believe love exists somewhere before me, but alas it is not with you. So I abandon you with questions I will never give the courteously to answer, I depart from this awful place I have been placed in and I will rise above repaired and hopeful.
Laugh away at me, I care not, I may be different.
But there is no one I'd rather be, than me.
Christa
