So it begins, one more day. Today though I try my hardest not to..I feel lonely.
I close my eyes and imagine something not depressing something happy and wonderful.
But today it doesn't work today I have no strength to pull up myself up by the bootstraps and face the world.
I have no reason to feel lonely but I am. My world seems to be a constant cycle.
Each day bringing more frustration and few answers. More talk and few conversations.
If falling apart were and option I'd gladly take it just for the one chance to collapse and give up. To weep my heart out and not care who sees.
But I do care who sees. I do care what you think. So I will not collapse,I will not fall apart and I will not weep my heart out. Because if I did I fear they'd leave.
I've learned that none can handle my sadness none can handle my hurt, it frightens them. They grow angry and tell me I must pick up and move on.
I don't want to, I don't want to pick up. I want to give up! I want to lie down and give in to the pain. But doing it alone is unbearable. Its to hard that I cannot allow myself to fall. To many expect me to hold together.
What do you do when you simply can't hold together anymore?
I'm not depressed I'm not suicidal but I want to be allowed the chance to be human to feel pain now and again. Truth is tonight I have no answers! I have no hopes I just don't know anything.
Lord knows I'm asking him for answers to. Just yes I'm rambling, I'm frustrated.
Or maybe I'm angry I haven't a clue. Tonight I will go to bed with the overwhelming desire to cry myself to sleep. To turn off my phone and snuff out the world.
But I won't do this because I know its the incorrect way of approaching this. If this scares you I'm sorry I only wish to be honest today.
You may not see this often so take thought that tomorrow I'll put on my happy face and please the world but I'm praying you'll see through it, praying you'll see I hate it. And see that I'm trying to make you happy, won't you return the favor?
Sincerely..
Christa
