powerless

Secluding myself, bringing on my own loneliness.
Pulling back and letting go all at once.
Not understanding why I don't have the strength
to tell you the truth.
Not understanding why I'm so scared to say it out
loud. So I won't, the fear drives me deep inside
somewhere in that room where I shut the door and
lock you all out.

Its better that way, so you don't see my silent
tears or my violent cries of desperation.
Not understanding why I allow the pain to continue
when I could just let it go and be free.

But freedom is something I've never learned, I never
could understand why you would offer me freedom for
what I've done. Sometimes I pray for punishment for you
to just be angry with me, to tell me I'm the horrible
sinner I know I am and to scorn me hurt me, beat me just
do something to make me feel punished..

But you won't, you refuse and I don't understand it.
Why have I lost my power so easily, I beg for pain from
you and yet you won't give it. Who would of thought that
I would beg to be punished, just to feel like I finally
got that I deserved. I never get what I deserve and I
deserve a lot of pain.

So I just go back to beating myself up hoping somehow it'll
fix how I feel but I know it won't. I'm guilty of not letting
it go and forgiving myself and gathering my freedom.
But what can you expect from the girl...who has never known
any better...